How Cancer Walked Again Into My Life – The Relapse

For the last six years, after completing treatment for Stage 3 breast cancer ( a diagnosis I had in 2019) , life had been unfolding in its ordinary, beautiful way.

We are a family of five living in Mumbai- my husband, Prateek; our 9-year-old son, Paarth; our 1-year-old toy poodle, Phulki; and my in-laws.

There has been family, work, growth, responsibility, and all the small, seemingly ordinary moments that make up a life.

Professionally, cancer introduced me to the world of coaching. Today, I work as a Leadership and Wellbeing Coach with one of the Big 4s, working with high-potential leaders.

Personally, I felt I was finally about to hit another milestone i.e. turning 40. However, crossing this decade from my thirties and entering the forties still feels like an uphill task.

Nothing suggested that everything was about to change again.

The first sign

The first sign was not pain. It was my voice.

It began to change so gradually that I tried not to think too much about it. It did not feel like a sore throat. It just sounded different. Strange enough to notice, but not alarming enough to imagine what it might mean.

On 15th August 2026, Independence Day, immediately after returning from a work trip, I went for an ENT examination.

The examination showed paralysis of my left vocal cord.

My eyes welled up.

For the last one year, I had already been living with paralysis in my left hand, which had rendered my fingers almost motionless. Another nerve, this time one responsible for a vital function, being affected by paralysis didn’t feel like God’s justice.

A CT scan followed.

The report showed multiple bone lytic lesions along my backbone, extending from my neck to my lower back. They appeared metastatic in nature. The cancer cells were now slowly progressing up towards my throat and pressing on the nerves along the way.

For me, this was confirmation:

Cancer is back.

But another thought immediately followed.

Isn’t a relapse supposed to be in the breast? Why is it in my backbone?

And suddenly, the pain I had been living with for the last year started making sense.

The days when I felt completely zapped of energy. The exhaustion I had struggled to explain. The things my body had been trying to tell me.

There was now an explanation.

This time, it felt more brutal and aggressive than a lump confined to one of the breasts.

It scared me.

I reached home with the reports. The moment my mother-in-law opened the door, I could not hold back my fears. It all came out with tears.

My first thought was:

“Last time, I could bear it all and survive. But this time, I am not so sure.”

How serious was it?

An immediate meeting with an oncosurgeon followed.

The look on his face was telling. It was almost as if he was asking me,

How are you still standing?

If the report was accurate, my backbone was extremely brittle because of the cancer. I needed to be very careful about how I walked and moved.

I was advised to immediately wear a cervical collar.

He said it was difficult to say exactly what we were dealing with, or how serious it was, until a PET scan was done.

So, it was ordered for early the next morning.

It was a test I dreaded.

During my previous treatment, I had discovered that I was allergic to the contrast dye used for the scan. But there was no escape.

A radioactive tracer is injected first. Then the contrast dye is administered, and you are asked to sit with it for a few hours so that the cancer cells can be seen clearly when you enter the scanner.

I went through it. The rashes and itching followed and stayed for a week.

The report came the next day, followed by another meeting with the onco surgeon.

Stage 4 cancer in my vertebral column was confirmed.

Doctor said, but there is also a good news. “It had not spread to any vital internal organs. It had metastasised, but it is still localised to the backbone. It was treatable. Now, it depended on how my body responded”

Treatable.

It was not just a word. It was hope.

And I decided to cling to that hope, no matter how testing the days ahead might get.

The questions that stayed with me

The five days that led us to this point were a whirlwind of emotions- shock, anger, disappointment, hopelessness, anxiety, uncertainty, and a lot of unanswered questions.

But as I reflect on that week, there are a few questions that stayed with me.

1. How do I move on?

The diagnosis was unsettling.

Nothing prepares you for this diagnosis. Not even a relapse.

There is a lot I could have done differently to reach the diagnosis earlier.

There is a lot the doctors could perhaps have done differently over the last year, since my body first started showing symptoms.

I could spend a lifetime trying to rewrite the past.

But what I am slowly coming to realise is that peace is not in holding on to the past, but in letting go of the need for it to have been different.

This is where I am. This is my reality.

The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can move ahead.

Acceptance brings peace. And peace brings the strength and courage to endure the journey ahead.

2. What truly matters?

A diagnosis like this puts you face-to-face with death and, almost in the same breath, gives you extraordinary clarity about life. About what matters. About what doesn’t.

What scared me most about dying was not death itself. It was what my absence would mean for my son and my husband.

The thought of not being there for them made me feel helpless and afraid.

Strangely, it also gave me clarity. There can be many Shreshthas for the world.

But for my family, there is only one.

Come what may, spending time with my family will be my first and only priority. Unconditionally.

3. What mindset do I want to walk in with this time?

Seven years ago, when cancer first hit me, it changed me forever. But it was also shaped by some of the choices I made along the journey. By the mindset I walked in with.

Here I am again, asking myself the same question.

I don’t want to enter this journey by counting only my struggles, even though there are many. To start with, for this blog itself, typing with one hand is a struggle. Not being able to use speech-to-text because my voice is gone due to the vocal cord paralysis is another.

But even in the middle of all these challenges, I still have the power to choose.

I can choose my attitude towards what lies ahead. That does not mean denying the struggles or pretending they are easy. It means acknowledging them without allowing them to become the only story I tell myself.

I want to walk this journey with surrender.

And I want to walk through this with compassion for myself, for my body, for the people caring for me, and for everyone making this journey alongside me.

I choose to surrender myself to the unknown that lies ahead. Not as giving up. But as letting go of the illusion that I can control everything.

I am learning that I don’t need to know what happens next.

I just need to be here.

Here. Now.

Next up: Radiation Therapy – Our First Ray of Light!

Chapter-9: Goodbye Cancer – Welcoming the new beginnings

My last blog was about the phase of radiation therapy which happened during the corona lockdown (Apr- May 2020). Post completion of the surgery (lumpectomy), chemotherapy and radiation therapy, I had now reached the last leg of my treatment called ‘Targeted therapy’ in June 2020. In this therapy the process of giving medicine to the patient is like that of chemotherapy, however, thankfully no major side effects are involved. By targeting only the specific genes and proteins involved in the growth and survival of cancer cells this therapy leaves the good cells intact. As a result, I had slowly and steadily started getting my energy and my hair back. Infact, during this hair regrowth phase, it is fun to don a new hairstyle every month without spending a penny at the salon. 🙂

Financially, the targeted therapy alone was costing us equivalent to the combined cost of surgery, chemo and radiation therapy. This therapy is a hard hit on anyone’s pocket whose histopath report mentions the cancer cells to be ‘HER2 Positive’ (a type of cancer which tends to grow and spread more aggressively). However, the brighter side is that the focused treatment for such aggressive cancer cells exists.

Experiences like this, reiterate the need to invest in a robust medical insurance plan. Many of us (especially at a younger age) either skip having an insurance plan or have a basic plan with minimum investment. I have learnt over the past few years that each of us must invest in a medical insurance plan with coverage increasing as a function of our family size (irrespective of the age of each family member).

While targeted therapy was ON till early Nov’20, the life has started getting back to normal as I was now able to contribute to my duties of the day with minimal dependency on others. Also, a new priority had set in the routine post cancer diagnosis, i.e.- to spend time on doing things which not only make me happier but also make me feel fulfilled. To give a glimpse, as compared to 2019, new additions to my schedule have been – an exercise routine, meditation, pranayama, prayers, ~3 km walk and spending at least an hour or two either writing or learning something which appeals to  me. This does not come easily specially as a woman and a mother as you feel ‘guilty’ of having spent time on yourself rather than for chores directly supporting your family. It took me a cancer experience and also a cancer coaching (that I underwent from Jan – June 2020) to realise the importance of spending ‘guilt free’ time on myself in order to stay well (may be also live longer 😊) and be there for my family. Infact, these new additions in my daily routine are helping me be more energized and happier while attending to my household as well as professional duties.

Cancer coaching: A journey uphill with my Sherpa

Being an HR professional the term “coaching” was not new to me. Deep within, there was always a desire to undergo this process myself given the profound impact a good coach can have on someone’s performance as a professional and in life as a whole. However, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine about experiencing coaching because of a disease (that too cancer). In Oct’19, while searching online for multiple complementary therapies available to heal cancer, I came across a  ‘Holistic Health Questionnaire (HHQ)’ https://cancerawakens.com/holistic-health-questionnaire-online-stress-diagnostic/ available for free on the website of a Cancer care organization (Cancer Awakens – www.cancerawakens.com ). The questionnaire reveals the stressors & strengths of an individual across 5 parameters (Physical, Mental, Emotional, Relational & Spiritual). It was pretty comprehensive and generated a personalized report which was both shocking & insightful for me. To be precise, I was in ‘Red’ (in varied degrees) for all parameters except one. In that moment, I had two choices – either to consider those results as nonsense (& a way to attract clients) or to accept and start working on what a series of 100+ questions had just revealed to me. After a couple of months of deliberation & research I chose the latter, as my goal was not just to treat Cancer but to heal the entire me in order to minimize the chances of any future recurrence. Thus, began my journey of heightened self- awareness in Jan 2020 when I signed up for the cancer coaching program offered by Cancer Awakens under the name ‘Thriver’ (https://cancerawakens.com/get-cancer-coach-thriver-program/ ). As a part of this program, I was aligned to a Sherpa/Coach who herself is a Stage 4 Breast Cancer Thriver.

My experience & key learnings as a coachee – The coaching was through weekly online connects with my Sherpa aimed at addressing each stressor one by one through structured exercises. In the initial days, I felt that the coaching program was not sharing anything new with me but as we progressed it made me confront my deepest feelings & fears. I discovered the patterns in my life and could connect the dots to see how each event has had an influence in shaping me into the person I am today. It made me discover, the unacknowledged reasons through which I myself could have manifested the disease. This discovery and many more in the process, formed the bedrock for me to ‘always look within for all solutions’ and identify what I need to change in myself in order to change the situations around me.

Undergoing coaching made me wiser in ways more than one. As I reflect on my coaching experience, following are a few pearls of wisdom I learnt, which are helping me even now as I move forward daily in the journey called life-

  1. Reveal & Heal – Many a times, we keep our feelings bottled up thinking why I should bother others with what is bothering me, or why would the other person be interested in knowing about how I am feeling. I was no different. My Sherpa helped me learn that keeping our feelings bottled up for long slowly starts eating our wellbeing & happiness by compromising our immunity. My Sherpa provided me the opportunity to open up & reveal my deep settled feelings in a safe platform. It heightened my self-awareness & helped me devise my own methods of how going forward I can myself identify when I need to share with people around me if something is bothering me.
  2. Macro patience & Micro speed – are the key ingredients for the ‘Change’ we wish to see in ourselves & also around us. As a first step, every change in oneself requires deconstructing some existing beliefs & ways of doing things, in order to make way for the thought patterns & behaviors which are aligned with the change we wish to see. Our deep-rooted beliefs have been nurtured by us over decades, thus shattering the ones which are not serving us and creating space for the fresh ones would require atleast a few years of consistent efforts. Macro patience is important to keep us persistent and to ensure we do not give up during this course of change. However, this persistence is achievable only if coupled with impatience in our actions at present. Therefore, we must strive for daily improvement even if it is just 1% daily (micro speed)
  3. Be there for yourself in your thick & thin – When a friend is upset about something that did not go well in their life, we are there to hug & say ‘It’s Ok, cheer up. I am there with you’. But we often forget to say this to ourselves when we are upset. Infact, when we are upset the critic in us wakes up and starts reprimanding us for what we could have done wrong to make things go unwell. Well yes, we need to learn to switch OFF the critic mode and let the friend within us do the talking, hug and say ‘All is well, we will sail through it!’. With time, I am learning to recognize when the critic in me wakes up so that I can immediately switch it off and just say to myself ‘Shreshtha, You can do it!’

As weeks progressed, my stressors in HHQ started shifting positively from Red to Green giving me the assurance that the changes I was making were indeed helping in my holistic well being. The program also took me through an extremely humbling experience of ‘Dialogue with death’ and discover what really matters to me. I made significant progress in discovering my life’s purpose (which I call ‘my swadharma’- a term from Bhagvada Gita) and chalked out actions which I want to take in order to fulfill my destiny.

It was not an easy climb uphill, but with my Sherpa by my side, I learnt how to carve out my way through the boulders that we often ourselves create in our lives. After helping me reach a significant distance, my Sherpa & I parted ways. It was now time for me to cover rest of the terrains on my own. While the coaching is over, the journey of growth continues. What is different is that, this time I feel better equipped with tools, techniques & wisdom to navigate through the crests & troughs of life.

The life moved significantly from Diwali 2019 to Diwali 2020. Last year, we started out with hopes and prayers in our heart of overcoming this disease and having clear scans in our hands before the next Diwali arrives. With a lot of joy, I share today that my treatment got successfully completed a few days back and I am just going to be under watch for next few years (with my fingers crossed for the scans that lay ahead). It was overwhelming to see that the doctor who wrote about the surgery & chemo instructions in my prescription last year was  just writing about Vitamin tablets in the prescription now. A feeling, fellow survivors would relate to and those undergoing treatment would look forward to. 😊

A remembrance pic with the nurses post the last session of my targetted therapy,
I left this floor, saying ‘I promise to never come here again’. Amen!

I am grateful for all the blessings & encouragement me & my family received during this journey. It also taught me to make myself available, even if not in someone’s happiness but definitely in someone’s testing times. I am determined to pay forward by sharing everything I gained (& would be gaining) from life with as many people as I can and be of use. With this being my driving force for the life that lay ahead, I now bring to completion the journey of ‘My Cancer Diaries’. My heartfelt thanks to all the readers for giving my blogs the precious time & encouragement. As they say – somethings need to come to an end to make way for something better. I promise to come up with something which may be of use for many more people. Stay Tuned!

“Life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you” – Tony Robbins.

THANK YOU CANCER!

Chapter-8: Cancer from the eyes of a Caregiver

While the person diagnosed with cancer goes through his/her own set of emotions, questions & learnings; the caregivers are also on a journey filled with multiple emotions (sometimes similar and at times different from that of the patient). Sharing with you today an account of my husband -Prateek’s journey of last one year as my primary caregiver; an account of how we together grew with cancer!

————————————————————————-

As we came out of the Woods… & triumphed together!

I am Prateek, 35, living in Mumbai (India) for over 12 years now. Shreshtha & I are married since last 5.5 years. I am in a reasonably demanding corporate job related to stock market investments. We are a happy couple surviving the chaos of the City life.

Our life got shaken when Shreshtha got diagnosed with Cancer. While mammogram and biopsy happened suddenly with not much time to react,  I was really worried when I had to collect her PET Scan reports which were to suggest the extent to which Cancer had spread in her body. Thankfully, we narrowly escaped the spread. Little did we know about the disease then. Out of nowhere it just entered our lives and we couldn’t fathom how and what we are up for in the coming days. We had some wonderful neighbors who helped us tide through the initial anxiety as they had been through this disease few months before Shreshtha’s diagnosis. At different times during treatment and recovery, we felt fearful and apprehensive. Even now, when possibly the worst is behind us, I feel as if we are staying with a life-long fear of what if it comes back.

During her Cancer journey, Shreshtha started the practice of Buddhism, which I feel is giving peace and strength to her to feel hopeful about the future.  Understandably, this was a difficult time, when we had to deal with the tidal wave of emotions cancer treatment can cause. Between surgery to losing hair to regular hospital visits to dealing with changes in daily lives, it was tricky to process so many massive changes.

Life changed some bit as I stepped into the role of a caregiver

While cancer happened to her, the impact of illness was really happening to both of us and infact to our parents as well. Each of us had to step up in our respective roles in family as Shreshtha took a backseat from her roles for some time. We learnt that it would take atleast 6 months, before she again starts contributing meaningfully to the family chores, role of parenting etc. It seemed like a challenge initially, but soon came into the habit. My contribution to parenting our child also increased materially.

We were fortunate to have a super cool surgeon, who helped manage our anxiety during the surgery.  Post the Surgery, the Chemotherapy doctor also helped us sail through the Chemo journey (which is still ongoing). We didn’t know till then that doctors respond so well on Whatsapp as well. The expected expense on the surgery came as a small shock to us, but then that was the last thing to worry about.

Appearance is so personal and so are one’s hair – it was tied up in identity of how I had known her for last 5 years. While the cancer journey started, I was aware that a day will come, when she would be hairless, atleast for few days/months. As the Chemotherapy sessions progressed, her hair started falling slowly and steadily. I used to enjoy plucking hair from her head, till one day most were gone. As a matter of convenience, she decided to shave off her head before she fully lost all her hair. I was a bit stunned by the bald look, but started liking it soon 😊

Just around the World Cancer Day in first week of February, she decided to go on social media with her bald look, speaking up about her “Bitter to Better” Cancer journey. That came as a shock to most friends and family members, as till then many didn’t know about the 4-5 months ordeal we had already been through. Expectedly, we got a lot of calls/messages expressing concerns over the disease and panic associated with it and we tried to speak up that things are getting better. It was mostly me who was attending and answering those calls as Shreshtha wanted to keep away from shock filled conversations and questions that some people may have at that time.

Beating the stressful days during the journey

I read somewhere that caring for a loved one going through cancer treatment can be demanding but being good at it can give you a sense of pride. There were many moments when I got tested as a caregiver as mood swings can be common after a cancer diagnosis and it was certainly not a smooth ride. Sometimes during her Cancer journey, when I couldn’t fully appreciate what she was going through, it turned into times of severe sadness and emotional distress. She had heard/read a lot of things about the treatment/ recovery phase and used to keep referencing them – which sometimes was not fully appreciated by me and led to quarrels. When she got her head shaved, we fought over whether or not to wear a head cap in public when we go out together. She was unwilling to wear it, but I was uncomfortable with the stares we would get if she was not wearing the headcap when in public. We argued when my work used to take a toll on me, and I was not able to give required attention to her or our child. We fought when I couldn’t sustain my positive mental state, validate hers set of emotions and understand what support she needed from me. While it was tough, I always tried to reassure her (and myself as well) that I was with her in what she was feeling, and we’ll face this together no matter what happens.

Managing workplace wasn’t as challenging as I initially thought

Initially, apart from my reporting managers, I didn’t tell anyone else in my office about the diagnosis. I thought it will bring unwarranted sympathy, as also in general, we hadn’t talked about it to the people outside our close family members. Later, I did inform a few other colleagues when me and wife both started talking about it outside our family. I also shared Shreshtha’s blogs with some of the colleagues.

While the surgery and initial chemo sessions got managed, the second leg of chemotherapy sessions which used to happen every Friday (for 3 straight months), looked like a challenge as I was needed to be in the hospital with wife during the second half of the day. However, my reporting managers were incredibly supportive and were fine with me choosing to work flexibly from office, home and hospital as the need be. Even during the 4 weeks long radiation therapy, which coincided with the Covid-lockdown in the month of April, we were required to visit the hospital daily as per a fixed slot (3.30-4 pm). While an early morning or late evening slot was preferable in order to devote undivided attention to office work during the day, luckily things went smoothly with no waiting time on the road or at the hospital (due to the lockdown).

In all this, I saw her transform into a stronger & inspirational person

While at times we cried, staying strong and positive helped us during the healing process. During this journey, Shreshtha also got a chance to spread positivity to others at multiple occasions. In Nov’19, when we were already into 2-3 months of cancer treatment, in one of her HR conferences in Pune, she gave a talk for Breast Cancer awareness. I was standing in the last row and watching her talk (without informing her that I have gatecrashed an HR conference). Post her talk, the auditorium got filled with roars of claps and people gave her a standing ovation. This reaction from the audience made me get emotional and also proud of her. Later, she also got invited at one of the Corporate houses to give a similar talk to their employees. In Feb’20, she participated in a running event where she ran to spread Cancer awareness; post the run she also gave an elaborate talk to other runners, which was followed by cheers from everyone – making me emotional again. She started writing blogs on her journey and later started sharing them on social media too. I am glad to see how her blogs have become a source of inspiration for the readers across the globe.

During the Cancer journey, one can find strength by sharing thoughts and feelings with others who may understand what you are going through. I saw her gaining strength and thought process while marching through her journey with a Sherpa (coach) in a Cancer Coaching program she signed up for. Now she also desires to be a Sherpa, as her way of helping others heal through cancer.

… there are other upsides from these challenging times as well

The diagnosis of cancer affects one’s perception of time and life, as she suggests; one probably never thinks about the length of life until they are diagnosed with a life-threatening disease like cancer. I also saw my perspective shift a little in this journey, though I may take more time to fully appreciate it.  We learnt the importance of prayers & blessings of family and friends. We learnt that people do feel concerned and have compassion for others, as we keep responding to questions like “How is she feeling now?”.

Talking about the other upsides, looking at how her physical fitness pre-diagnosis helped her have minimal side effects from breast cancer treatment, we learnt to eat healthier and exercising regularly is becoming a way of life for me too. Her hair has started coming back now and she has a smart likeable boy-cut look. Anyhow, some of the things that used to bother us earlier, no longer matter as we laugh off how we used to quarrel on some insignificant stuff. One other upside of having such a challenging moment in our life was that we learnt to deal with probably one of the most difficult times of our lives. It made us reflect internally and helped build character.

No wonder, Cancer is known as a Life changing experience.

When the sun is shining again!

Cheers,

Prateek

————————————————————————-

As I look back almost a year after cancer struck me, I feel extremely grateful & proud to have a wonderful family which not only stood the test of time but also supported & encouraged me during this phase. I am glad that we triumphed together!

In this journey, I wanted to leave no stone unturned to experiment & explore what may contribute to my healing process. Hence, almost 7 months back I signed up for something called ‘Cancer coaching’ a concept I had never heard of earlier but got encouraged to explore after certain turn of events. It came as an opportunity for me to look & sort within, in order to truly heal. I grabbed this opportunity with both hands. It was a difficult terrain that I climbed up with my Sherpa to reach a point from where the view is very different. A view that I cherish!

Coming up next, Cancer Coaching: A climb up with my Sherpa!

Chapter-7: Entry of another ‘C’ Word in our lives- Corona!

Till my last blog, I shared about my journey of completing the rigorous chemo sessions. The weeks following my last chemo were supposed to be about a month long radiation therapy along with a cooling period of two weeks between my last chemo and first radiation session. In this cooling period, my family had planned a short trip to Goa. After all, we truly deserved a break!

But as days progressed, the excitement of enjoying a relaxing trip with the family got replaced with the thoughts about how would we deal with this new ‘C’ word (Corona) which was slowly entering our lives.  Of course, the trip got cancelled and the only priority we had was to ensure safety of everyone at home. Our family of six has three elderly (out of whom one is diabetic), one is a toddler and I, a cancer patient (with lowered immunity due to recently concluded chemotherapy). Hence, there was a bit of anxiety when it all began. There were lots of questions running in my mind like what if any of my family members catch the infection? What if the supply of essentials gets compromised? What if my doctor asks me to put the treatment on hold?

It is very natural to have these or even wilder thoughts in such times hence, I did not feel weak on having such questions running in my mind.  What’s important was that I now knew how to deal with such bothering thoughts. The practice of meditation, which cancer had introduced me to, has helped me become more ‘mindful’ of what’s going on in my head and hence, naturally propelled me to take the right action to overcome my worry instead of  just flowing with it. What I had discovered over the last few months was that the Actions and not the worry, solve the puzzle!

Since the outbreak of Covid-19 in India, post every address to the nation by our Prime Minister, the first thought that used to strike me was, what if my radiation therapy gets jeopardised with the lockdown. My appointment with Doctor did get postponed for a couple of times during the Lockdown 1.0 but he also assured that delaying the meeting and the radiation therapy by a few days would not compromise my treatment.

In my interactions with a few others, I realised that the questions I had running in my mind are also bothering many other people undergoing cancer treatment. Hence, Onco.com & I again collaborated to attempt answering few FAQs which bother the cancer fighters & caregivers. Click here to watch the FAQ videos (https://onco.com/blog/fighter-speak-with-shreshtha-my-cancer-treatment-during-covid-19/)

7th April’20 – This was the day when, finally, my radiation therapy started. As per my radiation doctor, the initiation of my therapy had got delayed by a week from what is considered as a safe window. Hence, despite the lockdown and our apartment building being under quarantine, my radiation schedule started with daily visits to hospital for next 4 weeks. We also had to take a permit from Police for daily travel to Hospital during the  lockdown. Fully aware of the fact that every visit outside home would increase our chances of catching infection, within a day or two me and my husband set our routine of what all to do during our hospital visits & strictly adhered to it.

For the next 4 weeks, my routine every day for radiation therapy was as follows-

Wear same clothes for the hospital visit, drive to the hospital with my husband, husband stays back in the car, while, I go inside the hospital without touching anything, press the lift button with my elbow, push the door with leg & enter the radiation floor, change clothes in the changing room, sanitise hands with the sanitiser outside the changing room, go to the radiation chamber, pick up a tissue paper to hold the handle meant for supporting my left hand in upright position while I lie down on the stretcher, throw the paper in dustbin on completion of radiation and sanitise my hands, change the clothes, sanitise hands, pull the exit door & sanitise my hands again, press the lift button with my elbow, leave the hospital, husband helps in washing hands with soap & water kept in car, drive back home, straightaway go for a bath & wash all clothes with detergent water.

This disciplined schedule minimised our chances of catching infection. The daily sight at the hospital of doctors & nurses attending to all patients with utmost care amidst the current situation gave me the confidence that instead of panicking & behaving awkwardly, just following some simple steps during outings can help us move ahead with our daily routine.

Novalis TX (Radiation machine)
When the patient lies down on the stretcher, radiations are released from the yellow circular panel on the affected body part

Few side effects of Radiation therapy are as follows:-

  • Fatigue (which can be excessive in some cases as radiation process progresses),
  • Discolouring, pain & itching in the body part exposed to radiation (degree may vary from person to person)

Thankfully, I did not experience any major pain or itching. Also, the radiation fatigue started only in the last week of therapy and is gradually fading now.

Back to work– Post my last chemo session in mid-March, I decided to resume work. Given I needed some time to recover from the side effects of Chemotherapy and also the prevailing Covid situation, I was asked by my manager to work from home in the beginning. Little did I know, that in a week entire country was going to shift to the WFH mode. During this time, it was also decided that my workload will be increased gradually and (if I feel ready) by the time my radiation completes I can resume work on all fronts. This model of gradual transition helped me in setting up a routine for myself to get fully active on work front while also taking care of my health.

My daily routine amidst lockdown

With the lockdown, my routine of morning & evening walks, plus the outdoor pranayama & meditation suffered, but I shifted the entire routine to home. My day still started with pranayama and meditation but now in the balcony; it was followed by home workout* or Yoga in the morning and some household chores. Next 8-10 hours were all about office work with 3-4 PM period dedicated for my radiation visits. Evenings were mostly about rest as I used to get exhausted with the day’s activities.

Morning workout with dumb bells

*As a part of home workout, I decided to resume the fitness activities I used to be involved in till last year (prior to cancer surgery- lumpectomy). This also included lifting 5 kg dumbbells with each hand. While, my husband thought that I have gone crazy, for me lifting those dumbbells was extremely important to revive my lost confidence on my arm strength (The cancer & lumpectomy has compromised my left hand and I am not allowed to lift more than 5 Kg weight for the entire life from that hand). I would not say that lifting weights again was easy, in fact, my both arms got swollen when I lifted the dumbbells for the first time after a break of 6 months. But slowly & steadily, regular practice (twice every week), helped me lift them the way I used to prior to the surgery. Taking this decision of again giving a shot to my dumbbells, made me realise that every journey from ‘I wish I could’ to ‘I Can’ can be covered with this 3-letter word ‘TRY’.

3rd May’2019, Outside the hospital.
Feeling releived & happy on completion of radiation therapy

Radiation therapy phase turned out to be better than what I expected amidst the lockdown. This phase reaffirmed my belief that when times are uncertain we must just focus our energy on what we can influence and leave the rest to the universe to align for us. I also believe that the smooth visits to the hospital during this time could not have got managed without the support of my family and blessings of well- wishers who constantly keep checking on my well-being every other day and more frequently during the lockdown phase. From them, I also learnt that sometimes just a simple & caring text message is good enough to brighten someone’s day!

When Cancer hit me, I set myself on a path to define a new normal for myself. I am still defining the same as each & every day brings a new uncertainty, but that’s what life is all about. Problems are everywhere around us, but when we start living with the belief that everything happens for a reason, the good in every bad starts revealing itself. The resilience & confidence in my own abilities that I developed during the Cancer journey helped me react better & deal well with the new ‘C’ word too. I started my cancer journey with the belief that ‘this too shall pass’, but surprisingly the journey turned me into a believer of ‘make the most of it before it passes’ and that’s the thought I would like to leave all of you with today. Do we want to run away from what Corona has thrown at us or do we want to make the most of it to become a better version of ourselves, a version we will feel more proud of?

With the radiation therapy also over, the rigorous part of my treatment got completed. Now was the beginning of a new phase of life, which from surface looked similar to what it used to be pre- cancer, but deep within it was much different, as I was changed. More I mingled with the world outside, stronger my resolution of making my life a better version of what it used to be pre-cancer, became. My journey of self- discovery & self-improvement is continuing and I will pen down about the journey here onwards after a brief pause. At this juncture, while I take a pause, I am asking my husband to share his journey of last ten months as a caregiver- the feelings, fears, and learnings that he & other family members got introduced to.

Coming up next, Cancer from the eyes of a Caregiver

Chapter-6: Thank God It’s Friday (TGIF)-The Chemo Day

Since the start of my cancer journey in Sep’19, three major milestones were crossed – Cancer diagnosis, Lumpectomy & the most recent one- chemo with the Red Devil (Oct-Dec’19). It was now the time for me to get ready for the next milestone (i.e.- chemo with a new drug). In January 2020, while most people welcomed the new year, I also welcomed this new phase – the phase of 12 weekly Chemos. I was looking forward to this phase for two reasons, firstly because I heard from multiple survivors and also doctors that the drug (Taxol) injected in these weekly chemos is less rigorous than the drug (EC or the Red Devil) injected in previous 3 months and secondly because every chemo was taking me closer to the finish line!

We got these chemos scheduled for Fridays, since the after-effects generally started to hit only a day or two after the chemo dose. Hence, a chemo on Friday used to still leave me with the energy to enjoy the weekend with family & friends (which I considered important to maintain my sanity), while the Mon-Wed period mostly used to be about taking rest and recovering.

3rd Jan’20, My 1/12 Chemo- It was the day of my first weekly chemo and I woke up with a heavy nausea not because of the impact of any drugs but because, my brain by now had started relating hospital visits to the feeling of nausea. Even when there were still 7 hours for my chemo to begin, I was already feeling nauseous. This feeling further increased amidst the dominating smell of sanitizer in the atmosphere as I entered the hospital. However, as the day progressed, the nausea settled.

Next few days were about waiting & watching how my body was reacting to this new drug.

  • After effects which used to stay for 2-3 days every week were – pain in legs, back, and headache.
  • Side effects which stayed with me for the next 3 months and are now fading away gradually – Chemo fatigue, disturbed sleep, loss of taste, watery eyes, dry skin, blood clots in the nose, hot flashes, numbness in some fingers and  loss of hair. With the new drug, I lost my brows too, which earlier withstood the Red devil very bravely 🙂

I just want to put a small note here that, while majority of the side effects of a particular drug remain more or less common in most individuals,  few side effects may be less common as well as  the degree of overall effects may vary from person to person. For instance, getting blood clots in the nose is generally not observed in chemo patients but in my case, this side effect started with the onset of chemo and disappeared only post my last weekly chemo. Similarly, majority of the patients get neuropathy (weakness & numbness in the nerve endings of their hands & feet) with this drug but thankfully I experienced it in a very mild form, with only three fingers impacted in each hand and no impact on my feet.

By now, I had learnt and started believing deeply that nothing is permanent hence, managing the side effects of chemo was also becoming easier both physically & mentally. Keeping myself focussed on the finish line and dreaming about everything that I would be able to do once the chemotherapy is over, used to lift up my spirits whenever I got carried away with the ordeal.

4th Feb’20, World Cancer Day – In Jan’2020, I was approached by Onco.com to be a part of their #SpeakUp campaign which they were launching (on the occasion of upcoming World Cancer Day) to spread awareness about cancer and to encourage people to shun the taboo & speak about it. Prior to this, I had never paid attention to the existence of such a day solely dedicated for cancer awareness. What I was aware of to an extent, was only about October being the Breast Cancer awareness month. Nevertheless, since, the cause of spreading cancer awareness had become close to my heart now, I agreed to be a part of this campaign without any hesitation. The video was shot and released on the social media handles of Onco. Com. Now, it was my turn to take a call on whether I share it on my social media pages or not. I was clearly in a dilemma with two voices parallelly talking in my mind. One was discouraging me from sharing it with my wider social circle (as till now only a few in Mumbai knew about my cancer diagnosis).  Reason being that the news may come as a shock to many and may also invite pity which I did not want. However, the other voice was encouraging me to just follow my heart and post it. Clearly, the motive of creating awareness about the number one cancer among Indian women weighed heavier on the scale versus bothering about what people may think. Hence, without overanalysing I just clicked the POST button. Within a few minutes, I and my family members were on the receiving end of multiple calls & messages which continued for next few days. However, what I also received was the outpouring of immense love & encouragement from friends and family across the continents. Even if someone mentioned anything scary or negative related to cancer to me, I decided to focus only on their positive intentions. This entire episode made me aware of something very important, that no one can ever make us feel bad or weak without our own permission!

Also, the campaign turned out to be a success with 6K Views of the video and I felt great doing what really mattered to me!

Here’s the link to the video (https://onco.com/world-cancer-day-2020?utm_source=facebook&utm_campaign=WCDcampaign&utm_medium=ShreshthaVideo&fbclid=IwAR0TI4VKBAsXH5A4JaIr7Re4lS5coZ8ij2vCVPp2ebVW0SAPuzOgHCo1VX0)

As I started to open up in my social circle, few of my friends could reach out to me mentioning about the spiritual practice of Nichiren’s Buddhism (The practice of chanting Nam myoho renge kyo) and how it is helping them. Though I was aware of this practice since a few years, I never thought of practicing it myself. But this time something inside me, made me go for it! I always considered myself to be spiritually weak and this was opening a door for me to strengthen my spiritual side and so, I happily embraced it. This gave me another reason to be grateful to cancer – for introducing me to my faith practice.

23rd Feb’20, Run HR Run Marathon-This is an annual running event (for the HR professionals in Mumbai) in which I had been participating (under the 10km run category) since last two years. This year’s event, being in the middle of chemo journey I had a choice of not signing up for the event. However, I chose to sign up for 5Km category this year, instead of 10Km. I signed up for two reasons- one was to challenge myself to keep running (for practice) during all the chemo months and second was to use the platform to reach out to more people and create breast cancer awareness. While, I enjoyed all my practice runs during the chemo months, what I enjoyed more was telling my chemo doctor about it every time we met. Initially, he used to advise me ‘Shreshtha, you can just walk, you need not run’. However, with time he probably understood that there is no use of telling all that to me and hence, then every week when he used to meet me for Friday chemos, he asked ‘’Aur Shreshtha, iss hafte kitna daudhi?’’ (So, Shreshtha, how much did you run this week?).

About to reach the finish line at Run HR Run (23rd Feb’20)

Run day (23rd Feb’20)- The much-awaited day arrived. While I was running for my own reasons my husband also had a reason to run in an HR running event despite not being from the HR fraternity. He ran to encourage & support me. In those 37 minutes which I ran, I experienced pure joy & gratitude for being able to run. This is what pushed me towards the finish line. To my surprise, I turned out to be one of the podium finishers as I bagged the third place in my category. This episode made me realise that every bloody thing is possible! We just need to give it our best fight & with all genuinity.

7th March’20, Women’s Day- For me, the eventful march began with the women’s day – a special day every year which became even more special this year. As this year, I was invited for my first corporate talk to share my Cancer journey with others, as an inspiration to look at the opportunity in every challenge. I am grateful to the people who gave me this opportunity which made me realise how much I loved doing this and also how my experience can benefit others in their own journeys to be a better version of themselves.

13th March’20- Excited to have finished my last chemo session

Since the cancer journey started, life has been unfolding with beautiful surprises and memorable moments. I wished the journey forward to be even more exciting as I was nearing my last rigorous chemo session on 13th March’ 20 and decided to end my sabbatical here to resume work. Little did I know that the entire ecosystem and the way of life is going to get challenged in a few days with a tiny virus entering the lives of entire humankind. It was the time to brace for a new challenge that laid ahead- the Corona Challenge!

Coming up next, Entry of another ‘C’ word in our lives – Corona!

Chapter-5: Discovering a new me with Chemotherapy

While the first chemotherapy introduced me to a lot of firsts in my life, the series of new experiences did not stop there. Infact, every week that unfolded in the next 6 months of chemotherapy was full of new experiences and discoveries. Today, I will cover part of this Chemotherapy journey (from Oct -Dec’19) and my sail through the ‘RED DEVIL’ treatment.

My Second chemo – By the time my second chemo arrived, I kind of knew what to expect. Hence, during the Chemo sessions, in order to divert my attention from the effect of drugs, I started to engage myself in watching Netflix movies. The trick has worked well. However, the Chemotherapy process can be draining, not only physically but also emotionally and I realized it only when the second chemo got over. Unlike my first chemo (post which I felt happy high) this time I felt extremely emotional & vulnerable (likely the impact of drug). This sudden rush of emotions made me get teary eyed on reaching home and give a tight hug to all the family members, as a way of expressing my love for them and an appreciation of the fact that their standing with me in this tough time means a lot to me.

Focus on Diet & Exercise – a part of cancer journey

The principle by which chemo works is that it attacks and kills ALL actively dividing cells of the body without differentiating the good cells from the bad (cancer) ones. Hence, the weakness, fatigue, loss of hair, etc. follow along with a fall in the blood markers -RBCs, WBCs, Platelets. The focus on food & exercise becomes extremely important at this time in order to revive energy & blood markers to optimum levels and sustain oneself from chemo to chemo. Knowing that blood markers not being at minimum required level can delay the subsequent chemos, I set up a diet & exercise regime for myself which I have been trying to follow with utmost discipline (& with min. cheat days 😊).

As some of you wished to know the detailed regime I follow, sharing the same below –

Diet-

  • Pre- breakfast (8-9 am)-
    • A bowl of dry fruits with few almonds, walnuts, raisins, sunflower seeds & pumpkin seeds,
    • A glass full of famous anticancer & immunity building ABC juice (Apple, Beetroot, Carrot which we modified a little by also adding a generous dose of Oranges, Pomegranates, flaxseeds, chia & sesame seeds).
    • This is followed by gulping of 1tsp of bitter papaya leaf juice 2-3 days in a week (a natural platelet booster needed as platelets count fall with chemo).
My Rainbow plate of fruits & ABC Juice
  • Breakfast-My breakfast happens in two sets-
    • One at 9 am which includes a rainbow plate of fruits,
    • Second at around 11.30/12 noon which is a serving of poha/oats/upma/ dalia/paratha etc.
  • Lunch (around 2 pm)-
    • 2 whole grain chapatis or a bowl of rice (preferably brown rice), veggie (preferably green leafy veggie), dal/ beans.
  • Evening (around 6)-
    • 1 glass of coconut water, a fruit (if I feel hungry),
  • Dinner (by 8 pm)- 2 whole grain chapatis or a bowl of rice, veggie (preferably green leafy veggie), dal/ beans

My meals are now prepared in olive/ mustard oil and are low salt, low spice with lemon juice sprinkled in veggies & dals. I use lemons very generously now as they are an easily available rich source of antioxidants.I eliminated deep fried, refined flours, sugar and processed foods from my diet. I do cheat on certain days but in moderation. Thanks to my mom -in- law, Sweets at my home are now prepared only in jaggery so that I can also indulge myself in them.

Generally, we lose appetite (as well as taste) while on chemo, however, I forced myself to eat as per the set routine since the beginning of chemo sessions so that my body does not lose the habit of eating when chemo starts dominating my taste & appetite. Further, eating helped me overcome the nausea caused by chemo. This explains the weight I have gained in the last 6 months 😉

Exercise-

My exercise regime is focused to increase the oxygen intake in my body as its difficult for cancer cells to thrive in an oxygen rich environment

  1. The morning routine (around 7 am) starts with a km of slow walk/brisk walk/jog depending on how my body is feeling on that specific day. This is followed by hand stretching exercises as advised by the doctor, ~25 mins. of pranayama & ~15 mins. of meditation.
  2. Evening routine (around 6 pm)- 3 kms of walk/jog/run followed by mild stretches/yoga

Nutrition and exercise regime go a long way in the healing process.

As per my doctor, my body has responded well to the rigorous chemo sessions with minimal side effects. I believe, the nutrition and the exercise regime have played a significant role in ensuring that. Same was also established by the weekly blood tests I had to undergo whose reports are a critical decision maker for the subsequent chemos to happen. I very eagerly wait and am anxious for my weekly blood test reports just like the way I used to be closer to the exam results dates. I have managed to fairly pass the tests every week (some of the days with flying colors).  What as a laymen we call a ‘not so bad’ blood test report, my chemo doctor calls that a ‘good report’. Getting such results used to lead to euphoria in our house & instill confidence that our hard work is paying off well. However, on certain days, when after seeing my test report the doctor used to advise me to take a WBC Booster, I used to feel as if I have flunked the test in the WBC parameter.

My latest Blood report graph which my husband maintains and publishes to the family on a weekly basis 🙂

While these three months passed in dealing with side effects of one chemo to getting ready for the next one, this phase was also full of new discoveries, mostly of my own potentials & capabilities coupled with a few learnings as shared below-

  1. If we challenge our limiting beliefs, Impossible does become Possible– I have always been averse to practicing meditation because of the stillness & patience it demands. However, when I learnt about the impact mediation can have on the recovery from cancer, I had no option left but to challenge myself and give it a try with all honesty. While practicing, I slowly started realizing the healing effect it was having on my mind, body & soul by keeping me steer clear of the negative thoughts and filling me with hope for a brighter future. The practice of meditation coupled with visualization & affirmations is gradually making me a calmer person and is helping me sail through the days of extreme pain & weakness. It made me constantly think that tomorrow is going to be better and brighter than today!
  2. Pursuing our Passions during challenging times can be a powerful fuel to the engine of our spirits – Running has always been my companion since childhood. Whenever, my confidence in my capabilities had shaken, giving myself small running challenges and accomplishing them had revived my confidence and the fighting spirit. So, even when chemos made it difficult for me to run, I still pushed myself and continued to jog/run as apart from giving me gallons of oxygen it was also boosting my fighting spirit which is exactly what Is needed in the cancer journey.
  3. The Power of Letting it GO in order to enjoy the Present –Someone asked me “How do you feel without hair?” I responded that I feel liberated. Now I don’t have to worry about my bad hair days (which used to come quite often in my case), the time to get ready has significantly reduced and most importantly I am able to cherish a head shower whole heartedly every single day without worrying about my hair getting wet 😊. Like most of us, it was never easy for me to let go certain things. But, cancer has taught me to live life as if there is no tomorrow, and in order to do that I had to learn to LET GO. Having learnt that, I could cherish the present too!
  4. Over-analysis is Paralysis, Just DO IT!– Cancer experience not only left me feeling strongly for the cause ‘Breast Cancer Awareness’ but also made me take solid action on it with the realisation that time to do things you believe in is Now or Never. It made me overcome the roadblock of Over-analyzing what people will think, will it be embarrassing or encouraging and made me just take the plunge. Hence, I started publishing (through blogs) what was going on in my mind and discovered the writer in me, gave my first talk on Breast cancer awareness on a big & reputed platform and in the process discovered the speaker in me. My story also got featured as an inspirational story for other cancer fighters on a leading cancer care organisation’s website (Link- https://onco.com/blog/cancer-the-uninvited-guest/) Clearly, Cancer was turning me from being just courageous to being fearless.

I am amazed looking at how these discoveries are evolving me as a person and transitioning me from Shreshtha 1.0 (pre-cancer) to Shreshtha 2.0 (post cancer). I could not resist drawing a parallel to the transition which a caterpillar undergoes in order to become a butterfly, full of struggles but worth it!

This phase also made me wonder, Did Cancer really come to destroy me OR to heal Me?

I started getting my answer in the next phase, the phase when Fridays became my chemo days from Jan to Mar’20 and a new roller coaster ride of surprises and experiences began. Stay tuned 😊

Coming Up next, Thank God it’s Friday (TGIF) – The Chemo Day

Chapter-4: Chemotherapy- What my first chemo taught me

The dreaded word which accompanies cancer & its treatment is ‘Chemotherapy’. I say it as dreaded because of its side effects on the body in short & long term. However, I also feel grateful for its existence as it is that necessary evil which significantly increases the chances of survival of a patient and gives one hope for a healthier & happier future. Post the surgery, I was briefed on the Chemo war plan (as I call it) by our onco-surgeon. The choice I made was to treat ‘Chemo’ as a friend which was going to support me in defeating cancer.

Once I understood the details of course of treatment and expected side effects, it was clear to me that resuming office immediately post-surgery may not be feasible and I would need more time off. While, I was initially oscillating between whether to take a sabbatical leave from work or not, my team and managers encouraged me to take the sabbatical. My manager also assigned someone (who is also a good friend) as a ‘buddy’ to be my touchpoint at work during the sabbatical. This was a welcome support and something which organizations can replicate.

Being at home, I now suddenly had a lot of time in hand which I decided to invest in keeping myself informed about things which are going to follow & prepare myself better to handle them physically & emotionally. It also gave me opportunity to spend more time daily with my 2-year old son. I started spending time on google search, you tube videos, online support groups and talking to cancer survivors to understand ‘Chemo’ better – the common side effects of the drugs which would be administered to me and how people deal with them. One of the best practices which I learnt on the support groups was to cut the hair short before the first chemo starts so that when the hair actually start falling, there would be less mess to deal with and we would feel less bad if shorter strands fall out instead of longer ones 😊. Further, immediately post the surgery, the movement of my left hand was restricted hence, making me dependent on others to comb or tie my hair. So, for all the practical reasons, 3 days before my first chemo, I got my shoulder length hair cut short. Voila, I got a fresh new look to flaunt, though only for a few weeks. This new look made my day and also brought a lot of compliments from friends & extended family who till that time were unaware of the real reason behind the haircut.

My new hair cut 🙂

Post-surgery, onco-surgeon hands over the Cancer patient to the oncologist, who takes care of the patient’s Chemotherapy (I also call him ‘Chemo doctor’). My chemo doctor shared the chemo schedule and the process with us a day in advance. My first 4 chemo cycles were scheduled at the interval of 3 weeks each. These 4 cycles are said to be the most rigorous ones (due to the side effects which accompany). Thus, the key drug administered in these 4 cycles is also rightfully nicknamed ‘The RED DEVIL’. Now was the time for me to meet and greet this Red Devil face to face.

My first chemo (5th Oct 2019)

Once we reached hospital, we went to a dedicated Onco Daycare unit where Chemo sessions happen. It was a big room of around 30 beds with house full of chemo patients and several nurses running here & there to attend to the patients. I noticed that other patients were staring at me when we arrived, may be because they could guess that I am a ‘new patient’ as I still had hair and may be also because I looked much younger in the lot as compared to the average age of 45+ in that room. For a moment, I did feel awkward with those glances until I noticed a little boy (around 5 yrs. of age) also undergoing chemo. The boy was busy playing on his mobile and did not stare at me like others when I passed beside him. I decided to do the same i.e. ignore the stares I would be receiving from now on for being among the younger lot in the room to have got cancer.

On that day, we also met an elderly patient (60+ yrs. of age) who was undergoing chemo since years for a type of nose cancer which was very rare and hence, treatment line was also not very well defined. Once in every few weeks he had to visit the hospital for chemo and had also undergone multiple surgeries till now but was not yet cured. While moments like these make you feel bad for the person undergoing such turmoil, they also make your heart fill with gratitude for all the good you have been blessed with in life.

My first chemo with the ‘RED DEVIL’

Shortly, my chemo process began, and the Red Devil started reaching every nook & corner of my body. By the time, the drug bottle got exhausted I could feel the drug messing with my head.

After 7 hours, my chemo process got over and it was now time to go home. During our way back, I was feeling ‘high’, to be precise ‘Happy high’. This feeling soon passed and heavy nausea took over which stayed for the next 3-4 days. To get over the highest point of nausea (which I had for 4-5 hours post chemo), I called up a friend. A friend whom I knew can make me laugh on anything and will help divert my attention from the nausea. The trick worked and soon the extreme nausea phase passed making me sleep peacefully for the night. The next 3 weeks (i.e. the period between two chemo sessions) became an ‘observation phase’ for me where I was spending time observing the kind of side effects I was experiencing and their effect on me physically & mentally. I also tried various hit & trial methods of getting over the side effects and most importantly, spending time online researching about the diet & exercises which have worked and are recommended for cancer patients. I found myself to be handling the first chemo well and was happy for not facing extreme side effects however, what I didn’t know till then was that post every chemo there is a cumulative (side-) effect which sets in making the health condition worse for the patient. This observation phase did set a firm ground for me to start a healing journey on my own which I will cover in detail in the next blog.

Goodbye Hair! 2 weeks post my first chemo, my hair started raining. The intensity of hair fall kept on increasing day by day making me realize that the time to bid them farewell was soon going to arrive. Though I knew that the hair fall is a part & parcel of chemotherapy, the loosely sticking strands & hair lumps on my head made me feel like a victim of cancer’s wrath. Being in control of the situation was important for me as it made me feel stronger than the cancer. Hence, instead of waiting for the full hair loss and watch the mess created by the flying strands in the house, I decided to get the head shaved. Being a woman, parting with the hair was not an easy decision however, at that time living with a clean shaved head seemed to be a much better option. So, I got it done.

Once I reached home with the shaved head & removed the scarf, for a few minutes my son kept staring at my head and followed me everywhere to get a closer look until he was sure that it was his mum only though in a different avatar. Infact, adjusting to this new look took a day for me too as I used to get shocked for a split second every time I stepped in front of a mirror or faced my shadow. I guess, my husband was the only one in the family who was enjoying my bald look. He likes running his hand on my bald head & also playing drums (tabla) on it at times. 😊

One of my first few pics with the new look. My son is happy wearing & playing with
mumma’s scarf

Cancer is rightly considered a life changing event. I believe, there is always a light even in the darkest days only if we are willing to search. As I look back today to reflect on lessons & insights which first few weeks of chemo gave me, here is what I learnt-

  1. Resilience is nothing but a magical combination of Curiosity & Determination. The decisions I took with cutting the hair short and then shaving them off were the result of my curiosity to face something new as well as my will to have the upper hand over cancer. This also made me reflect that the power to decide how a situation impacts us is totally in our hands. I am glad I took charge to accept and mould myself as per the changes that chemo was introducing me to. This learning gave me the confidence to make many more decisions in the chemo journey which helped me bounce faster from the difficult situations.
  2. When in doubt, wait & watch before you respond-Considering I did not know how my body was going to respond to chemo, I didn’t blindly follow what I was learning from people around and from the  online readings regarding ‘how to deal with chemo & cure cancer’. I decided to give time to my body to guide me. With each passing day, came a new insight and helped me set a daily routine for myself to follow for remaining course of my treatment.
  3. Applying a mental filter during online research-The information mentioned online can be really depressing at times and it’s important for us to learn how to deal with it wisely. During the initial days, I got really worried on reading the prognosis for breast cancer online & also the reactions of chemo drugs on some of the cancer fighters. I later learnt the art of filtering out negative information from my mind and retaining only the useful one in order to move ahead positively in the journey.
  4. Importance of Gratitude- One of my teachers once told that when you feel overconfident look at the people doing better than you and when you feel underconfident look at the people less privileged than you. While this teaching was always there at the back of my mind, I discovered the fulfilling power of this statement only during the cancer journey in which the patience & confidence get tested almost on a daily basis but gratitude is something which pulls you out.

This was just the beginning of a six months long chemo journey which I knew was not going to be easy. But, if we learn to turn the bitter potions of life into the better portions, the challenges become an opportunity. An opportunity to look back at with Pride!

Cancer was giving me that opportunity.

Coming up next, Discovering a new me with Chemotherapy

Chapter-3: Lumpectomy- Our surgical strike on Cancer

The time had arrived for my hospital admission. Last time I got admitted was during my pregnancy, around 2.5 years back. As per the surgery protocol, I got admitted a night before my surgery (i.e. on 22nd Sep) so that all the prelim checks could be run. I slept with my last sip of water at midnight as the surgery was scheduled for next day morning. Next day, my wait for the surgery began at 5 am when the nurse came and woke me up for the morning chores. Many hours passed and by 2 pm I got impatient and wanted the surgery to begin as soon as possible. I had already been hungry since last 14 hours and it felt like a Karvachauth fast, the difference being this time I was keeping the fast for my own longevity.

Finally, around 3 pm my turn came, and I was shifted to the Operation Theatre and was given anesthesia. What I remember next was a doctor waking me up from a deep slumber and informing that my surgery was successfully completed and, in an hour, I would be shifted back to my room.

Happy pic clicked to celebrate successful completion of the surgery

Once I regained my senses, I tried moving but realized that I was unable to shift even a little and that there was a prickling pain at multiple places in my upper body. The doctor told it was part & parcel of Lumpectomy, the surgery they performed on me. In an hour or so, I was shifted back to my room where I met my husband and father-in-law. They briefed me on what they learnt from my onco-surgeon post the surgery.

During the surgery, there were 3 procedures that were run-

  1. Removal of the lump and the nearby tissues from my left breast.
  2. Testing and removal of the lymph nodes from my left armpit as cancer had spread to multiple lymph nodes. (If breast cancer spreads, it typically goes first to nearby lymphatic system under the arm)
  3. Insertion of a “chest port” just below my right collar bone. This is done primarily to administer the drugs during every chemo session and it ensures minimum inconvenience to the patient.
Completing my 25 rounds of the floor 🙂

This brief helped me understand the reason for the pain at multiple places. I made the first attempt to get out of my bed at night and it took two people to help me get up. When I was getting out of the bed, I noticed a white container with a pipe hanging from somewhere inside my left arm. It looked odd and was very uncomfortable. Next day, on his morning round, the onco-surgeon informed us that the container is a ‘drain bag’ meant to drain out the waste lymph fluid and it will be my companion at least for a week or two. Also, I guess, he felt that I was too comfortable being in my bed and hence, instructed me to walk 20 rounds of the entire floor till we meet again the next day. Over the next 24 hours, I had this task at my hand. Slowly & steadily, I started to walk and take rounds around the entire floor with my extra limb (drain bag). My husband also patiently accompanied me during my stroll. Next day, when the doctor met me, I proudly mentioned to him that I completed 25 rounds in the entire day beating the target he gave of 20 rounds 😊

That day a nurse also briefed us on the ‘Do’s and Don’ts’ post-surgery. These were necessary as with the removal of lymph nodes of my left arm, the natural defense mechanism of this hand was permanently impacted. She shared a few simple exercises which I needed to do (thrice a day for 5 years) to strengthen my left arm and to avoid swelling in the hand (ailment called lymphedema). Then, she shared a few ‘Donts’ as well.

Firstly, I should ensure that blood test or Blood Pressure measurement are never taken from my left arm. I thought to myself that this was doable.

Secondly, I need to ensure that mosquitoes don’t bite on my left arm. To me that seemed to be an instruction meant more for the mosquitoes rather than for me and so I shrugged it off with a smile.

Thirdly, she mentioned that from now on I should never get my left arm waxed. This shocked me and the discontentment was clearly visible on my face.

Finally, she told, that I shall not attempt lifting more than 5 kgs from my left arm from now on. To this I reacted saying “What??, I have a 15Kg boy, how will I hold him in my arms?”. Of course, she did not respond to it and I looked at my husband to see his reaction.

After she left, my husband jokingly asked that what is more shocking for me – no waxing or not being able to hold our son in my arms? I could not answer him, and my eyes got wet as first few signs of my life getting changed post this diagnosis had just hit me! Since, I also exercise regularly, I started pondering of the yoga asanas and exercises which require support of left hand and I may not be able to do anymore.

Though I was taken aback momentarily with this conversation, I also knew that the only way to ensure I don’t get bogged down by my compromised left hand was to focus on the things that I can control. Hence, I decided to focus on identifying alternate ways of accomplishing the tasks where earlier that hand was actively involved. Also, my husband suggested me to count my blessings (that I still have the hand & that I am still alive) if I ever feel bad about not being able to do certain tasks with my left hand.

In the next couple of months, I realized that adopting the alternate ways of doing things turned out to be a much better option than the original ways that I was using. For instance-

  • I replaced the waxing sessions with an epilator. It turned out to be much more convenient and higher ROI option and made me wonder why I did not explore it till now.
  • I figured out ways to support my son with his daily chores without lifting him or straining my left hand. Infact, it made him get independent in doing certain chores which otherwise would not have happened so soon.

Two days after my surgery, it was now time to get discharged from the hospital. This was the moment I was to get introduced to the extent of damage that happened to my physical appearance during the surgical strike on cancer as my bandages were to be removed before discharge. My heart sank when I looked at myself in the mirror as the surgery had changed me forever giving multiple scars for life. The choice I made in that moment was to not get disheartened. Afterall, I fought and fought WELL in that operation theatre to deserve those warrior scars.

My family & I spent next few days focusing on my recovery and in ensuring my son does not come near me to pull & play with the drain bag.

1st Oct 2019- we received the detailed biopsy report (of the cells extracted from the lump & the lymph nodes) and met our onco-surgeon. The doctor whom I always found to be chilled out had a serious look on his face this time while going through my biopsy report. We were informed that while the lump was small, the type of cancer I had was an aggressive one with the potential to spread fast as also signified by 8 out of 12 extracted lymph nodes testing positive for cancer cells. Based on these results, my line of treatment, as suggested, was – Chemotherapy, radiation therapy and targeted therapy for a total span of 15 months (Oct’19 till Dec’20) to kill the cancer cells (if any) currently roaming around in my blood stream.

My WAR PLAN (as on today) spanning across 15 months (Oct’19 – Dec’20)-
16 chemo sessions, 30 radiation sessions and 13 targetted therapy infusions

This meeting helped us visualize the destination and the milestones. Now, it was my turn to define a holistic strategy for the next 15 months to defeat cancer. I needed to work on this plan as one fights cancer not only at the hospital bed during the chemo or radiation sessions but daily (for weeks & months) physically, emotionally & mentally till the fighter is declared CANCER FREE. Also, when we are sick, we sometimes give the power to decide the way forward to our doctors or our near & dear ones. But for the holistic healing it was important that I take accountability of my sickness & recovery, while the doctors and family support me.

With this began my next round of battle with a new ammunition- CHEMOTHERAPY.

Coming up next, Chemotherapy – How it introduced me to a NEW ME.

Chapter 2: Breaking the news- Oh..It’s Cancer

With the diagnosis confirming breast cancer, the next step was to get the lump removed immediately. Lumpectomy was suggested in my case, wherein doctor via surgical process removes cancer or other abnormal tissue from your breast. The extracted cancer cells are also given for further biopsy tests, the results of which help determine the future course of treatment (i.e. post-surgery). For surgery, we were looking to have the earliest possible date and we were given admission date for 3 days later (i.e. 23rd Sep).

Breaking the news to the family – While now my wait for the operation date began, the big task on my hand (i.e. on 19th Sep’19 evening) was to share the news with my parents & prepare them emotionally to stand as my pillars of strength. I told them regarding the confirmation of cancer, the required surgery and doctor’s belief of it being perfectly curable. My brief to both sides of parents was “I don’t want you to cry or feel bad about it, coz that makes me feel weak. I want you to be cheerful and stand strong with me in this journey as that will make me overcome it”. They promised me the same with their silence and till date are giving a tough fight to cancer!

Breaking the news at work – Next was breaking the news to my managers & team, wrapping the work at office (for which I just had a day – 20th Sep, Friday). On Friday morning, I texted my Chief Human Resources Officer (CHRO) requesting for an urgent meeting. Luckily, he agreed to have a meeting first thing in the morning.

Meeting with the CHRO – I went to his cabin, seated myself comfortably in a chair and said that I have a bad as well as good news to share with him. (At this point he might have thought that I have come to talk about putting down my papers 😊). He said, “Go ahead”.  I told him, “Bad news is that I am diagnosed with cancer, but the good news is that it is curable”. I noticed my voice getting heavy with this sentence, first time in the past week. The CHRO took a small pause and said “Don’t worry, you must remember that your age is on your side! Also, there are these three things which can pull you out of cancer and should be your focus from now on – Physical strength, Mental strength & Positivity”. These words are etched in my memory since that day and are my driving force cum checklist in this journey. Further, discussion was about how I am taking this news, how my husband & my entire family are taking it, if I am financially equipped to handle this expensive treatment and if I have support to take care of my little kid as there will be times when I won’t be able to focus on him.

To discuss how my role will be managed in my absence, we decided to connect once my biopsy results are out post-surgery. My availability for work was to depend on how long & rigorous my treatment is going to be (post-surgery), which could be gauged only from the biopsy results. On my question regarding communication to my stakeholders about my non-availability from now on, he responded “Don’t worry, that’s my job, I have your back!”

After a few hours, I met my manager. When I entered his cabin, suddenly I found myself at a loss of words. I think he could sense that, so he just nodded (a nod of acknowledgement that he knows, what I am here to talk about) and asked me to have a seat. (He seemed to have already got the news from the CHRO). The discussion revolved around the course of treatment, how my family & I are taking the news and that I will be out of it very soon. I remember, leaving his cabin mentioning that I am determined to fight it out and will be a survivor for sure.

(The above discussions with my managers were one of the most positive and supportive discussions I had about cancer. They set the right example for me on how the managers & organizations should take such news and stand with the employee. This was a key learning for me as a professional in this journey thus, I have chosen to share the excerpts from my meetings in detail here)

Happy in each other’s company during the mini reunion in Bangalore

Friday was a long day for me but much keenly awaited was the weekend. I had a pre-planned travel to Bangalore for a mini reunion with my girlfriends; we had this plan since a few weeks before my cancer was diagnosed. Post the diagnosis, instead of cancelling my tickets and staying at home, I chose to go ahead with the plan (of course, post the approval from my doc😊). Apart from the excitement of meeting friends after a long time, this weekend getaway had now become even more important, since this was a step ahead for me in not letting my life & my happiness deter coz of the diagnosis. Hence, I went ahead and met my friends in Bangalore. During the day I revealed the news to them as well. Understandably, they were shocked and were at loss of words, but we had Alexa’s music, yum food, lots of chit chat and college memories to keep us going. We also discussed how we often feel that everyone else’s lives apart from ours is rosy, while in reality everyone have their own battles to fight. We must always appreciate everyone (and never compare our lives with that of others), as we may have no idea what others’ journey is all about.

Next afternoon, I headed back to Mumbai. Past two days made me realize that words of encouragement and a feel of normalcy are what we need in such a situation. I am glad to have got the same from my managers & friends.

22nd Sep, 6 pm – I reached home and had half an hour to pack before my father in law, my husband and I leave for the hospital for admission. I suddenly got cold feet and did not want to leave home as I knew that once I leave now, I will return only as a changed person both physically and mentally. I had tears in my eyes while packing (which I think I managed to hide well from my family as I do not like crying in front of anyone, my husband being an exception). I hugged & kissed my son multiple times (which he enjoyed because of his age 😉). The tears stopped when my husband noticed me crying, gave me a tight hug and said “Don’t’ worry, we are together in this and this too shall pass”.

Till now, it was a one-sided game being played by this silent killer called ‘Cancer’. But with the diagnosis, it was our turn to strike. So, with all the good wishes of parents, we left home.

In a day, I was going to move from being a Cancer victim to a Cancer Fighter. The Game was ON.

Coming up next, Lumpectomy- Our surgical strike on cancer

How Cancer walked into my life – The Diagnosis

Let’s start with a brief introduction of mine. I am a 32 year old female residing in Mumbai with my lovely family. There are 6 of us- My husband, 2 yr. old son, father in law (67), mother in law (65) and Bua in law (my father in law’s sister- 75 yrs. old). My parents reside in Delhi.

By profession, I am an HR working with an FMCG company.

In June’19, when the life was moving as usual, I detected a tiny lump in my left breast. I conveniently ignored the lump when I first felt, thinking that it isn’t anything serious and may dissolve on its own. Afterall, I can’t be the one having ‘that’ lump which we generally read about in Breast Cancer (BC) related news. Further, I am just 32, while even the voluntary mammogram tests (in India) are suggested to be done only after the age of 40.

Little did I know, that this tiny lump had the potential to change my life forever.

Few weeks later, the lump was persisting and I discussed about it with my Husband, who suggested of discussing the same with doctor. In one of the visits to my regular dermatologist (on 15th Sep’19), I mentioned about the presence of this lump which has increased in size by now. The doctor checked and asked me to immediately get a ‘sono-mammogram’ done. The concern in her voice made me rush immediately to a nearby hospital. The test was done. While my radiologist was working on the report, I kept on looking at her face to find any signs of concern. Finally, the report which mentioned the presence of a ‘malignant tumor’ was handed over to me and I was asked to meet an oncologist. On my way back to home, I was thinking and hoping as well for the report to be wrong; further how the hell would I find an oncologist?

I reached home & disclosed the diagnosis to my family and we unanimously agreed that the report can be wrong 😊.

However, since, I had already delayed the matter by a few months and there was a visible concern in the voice of my dermatologist & radiologist, my family decided to get an opinion from an oncologist as well to rule out chances of cancer. With no family history of Cancer and not having come across any cancer patients earlier there were a lot of thoughts running in my head. What if the diagnosis is not wrong?  Am I gonna die because of cancer? How much time is left with me? However, what I was sure of is, even if it is cancer, from this day onwards I am going to give it my best fight till I am alive.

Online searches and reaching out to local communities helped us zero down an Onco-surgeon in Mumbai for Breast Cancer. Fate made us meet one of the BC survivors residing in our apartments itself. In our first meeting with them, the survivor family (husband & wife) opened up for a hearty chat and shared their entire 7-8 mths cancer journey with us. The way they had fought cancer was really encouraging & instilled a new hope in us that survival is possible if the battle is fought with complete positivity & mental strength. We learnt about the line of treatment from them and settled our anxiety. Infact, they were the ones who recommended one of the best Onco-surgeons to us and helped get an immediate appointment.

Waiting patiently for our turn to meet the onco-surgeoon

So, the next day we went to see the doc. We were being positive and hence, while waiting outside the doctor’s room, we were still praying for the diagnosis to be wrong. Our turn came & we met one of the most chilled out doctors (much needed for a doc dealing with cancer patients). Biopsy & PETScan followed. Results came and on 19th Sep’19 and I was informed that I have Stage-2 Breast cancer. However, the good news was that while cancer had spread to my lymph nodes it had not metastasized to any other organ. Hence, was a better case of being CURABLE.

‘CURABLE’, this was the most precious word I had heard in past 6 days and gave me courage to prepare better for the battles which are going to come during my treatment.

These 6 days taught me a lot & looking back I now feel grateful to Cancer (yes, I am crazy) for making me experience these days & many more which tested my confidence, determination and ability to fight. Few lessons I learnt:

  • While fate is decided by the superpower, our destiny is decided by the choices & decisions we make. In these 6 days of uncertainty, when I didn’t know where my fate is taking me – I chose not to spend time worrying & giving up on LIFE here & now. I chose not to cry when day by day the diagnosis of cancer in my body was getting firmed up by each diagnostic test. I chose to lead the life with happiness at home and at work and I feel proud of these choices that I made which became the bedrock of my journey henceforth.
17th Sep 2019- Celebrating Prateek’s (my husband) birthday while he was initially unwilling to
  • When calamity strikes, it’s not only you but your entire family fights. Battles which are fought together give the toughest fight to the opponent. Hence, Love & Respect your family unconditionally.
  • In case of cancer, Early detection does save life. When unsure of the reason for something unusual you are experiencing in your body, DO NOT IGNORE it. Show to the doctor. In case of breast or armpit symptoms like lump or a secretion – your gynecologist can advise for a mammogram if needed.

The life & my perspective towards life have changed dramatically post this diagnosis. I will keep penning down the journey as it unfolds and my feelings & learnings during the same.

Coming up next- Breaking the news to near & dear ones- Oh..It’s Cancer!

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started